Saturday 9 January 2010

Sex, Lies And Chocolate Cake

Only a few weeks ago the world was enraptured in the season to be jolly (LaLaLaLaLaa!) but it seems that the tabloids have enjoyed a year-long jolly season. Not so long ago people made the headlines for being either genuinely famous, for sleeping with and/or killing somebody genuinely famous or for being blown to pieces in some far-off war.

Apparently though, this has changed and the only way to enter the public eye is to have your arse ripped out by The Sun. The sheer amount of public scandals that have happened in the past 12 months is enough to make even Bill Clinton hot under the collar. Banks burst at the seams with the sheer volume of snakes running them, Christian Bale got angry, world leaders were punched, Christian Bale got angry some more and Jude Law changed lovers more than Col. Gaddafi changes psychoanalysts.

I've noticed a certain trend between a good amount of these, which is the recurring theme of Nazism. From Max Mosley's less-than-healthy obsession with all things German, Prince Harry's stint as a Gestapo officer way back when in 2005, to Nick Griffin and the daftest bunch of Nazis this side of 'Allo 'Allo. Perhaps the conspiracy theories are true, and Mr Hitler truely is hiding in a bunker in the Antarctic, pulling strings and orchestrating his grand return through the medium of British idiocy?

Rarely these days do politicians get away with anything, especially the current stock of lifeless, braindead chimps in suits that run our country. Noone in their right mind would give a monkey a gun and for that reason whoever decided it would be a good idea to give a monkey taxpayers money surely deserves to be slowly fed a bag of iron filings?

This only adds to my list of reasons for not wanting to become a politician for fear I'd marry a woman who looks like a sack of mouldy pears, spend public money on porn because I'm married to aforementioned pear sack, and turn my constituency into a giant moat for ducks.

Sportsmen have also come under scrutiny, Max Mosley and Lewis Hamilton both doing their very best to make Formula One even more rubbish than it already was, Thierry Henry incited the wrath of the whole of Ireland for his controversial handling of balls. Tiger Woods of course did something completely different with his balls, managing to sink many holes in one with his 9 wood, something which inexplicably has sent his sponsors abandoning ship like rats....

There's absolutely no way that I could leave this post without a tip of the hat to Northern Ireland's very own femme fatale. So here's to you Mrs Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you could know. And now so does Dominic Mohan.

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