It’s a well known fact that the world is mad. Grass is green, sky is blue, all English men are dentally challenged Hugh Grants and yellow snow is not to be eaten – all of these are simple but proven truths.
It seems to me though, that as time drags on we’re all getting more and more stupid. Case in point, in these days conversation in the pub is very dull. “What have you done this past week?”
“Nothing much, tried to look down my secretary’s top for a while, went out and got drunk, pissed myself and then cried myself to sleep”.
Now imagine that same conversation 6000 or so years ago. “Today, I killed a mammoth with my bare hands and invented the wheel, what about you?”
“ Same old really, designed the concept of time and came up with the idea of cooking with fire.”
Fast-forward to the present day and you can hardly breathe for some moronic person doing some moronic thing for some moronic reason or another. Stupid people with stupid clothes, stupid people making stupid sentences, stupid people on stupid phones, stupid people in stupid cars – which leads me to another point; how much safer would the roads not be if a shotgun was mounted in the steering column rather than an airbag?
Just last week I spied on eBay some idiot selling a ticket to see my beloved Lady Gaga at the princely sum of £210 for a single standing ticket, and standing in the queue in an off-licence last month I overhead the following conversation between the person at the till and some air-headed blonde:
“What’s your date of birth?”, “July 15th” “What year?” ,“...Like, every year, duhhh”. I mean really?
The numpties in my hometown are also apparently going into spray-can hyperdrive with the rise of East-LA style graffiti marring pretty much every smooth concrete surface they can get their needle-scarred mitts on. Catch a grip, this country’s about as “gansta” as Ronnie bloody Corbett.
The media these days is awash with tin-foil hat wearing Star Wars nerds who warn us that humankind will one day be destroyed by technology and super-robots (with or without Germanic accents). I, however, am not so sure about this – because with the current state of human intelligence, ingenuity and manufacturing skills it’s pretty much guaranteed that aforementioned killer robot will have broken long before you can say “Hasta la Vista, baby”.
Saturday 16 January 2010
Saturday 9 January 2010
Sex, Lies And Chocolate Cake
Only a few weeks ago the world was enraptured in the season to be jolly (LaLaLaLaLaa!) but it seems that the tabloids have enjoyed a year-long jolly season. Not so long ago people made the headlines for being either genuinely famous, for sleeping with and/or killing somebody genuinely famous or for being blown to pieces in some far-off war.
Apparently though, this has changed and the only way to enter the public eye is to have your arse ripped out by The Sun. The sheer amount of public scandals that have happened in the past 12 months is enough to make even Bill Clinton hot under the collar. Banks burst at the seams with the sheer volume of snakes running them, Christian Bale got angry, world leaders were punched, Christian Bale got angry some more and Jude Law changed lovers more than Col. Gaddafi changes psychoanalysts.
I've noticed a certain trend between a good amount of these, which is the recurring theme of Nazism. From Max Mosley's less-than-healthy obsession with all things German, Prince Harry's stint as a Gestapo officer way back when in 2005, to Nick Griffin and the daftest bunch of Nazis this side of 'Allo 'Allo. Perhaps the conspiracy theories are true, and Mr Hitler truely is hiding in a bunker in the Antarctic, pulling strings and orchestrating his grand return through the medium of British idiocy?
Rarely these days do politicians get away with anything, especially the current stock of lifeless, braindead chimps in suits that run our country. Noone in their right mind would give a monkey a gun and for that reason whoever decided it would be a good idea to give a monkey taxpayers money surely deserves to be slowly fed a bag of iron filings?
This only adds to my list of reasons for not wanting to become a politician for fear I'd marry a woman who looks like a sack of mouldy pears, spend public money on porn because I'm married to aforementioned pear sack, and turn my constituency into a giant moat for ducks.
Sportsmen have also come under scrutiny, Max Mosley and Lewis Hamilton both doing their very best to make Formula One even more rubbish than it already was, Thierry Henry incited the wrath of the whole of Ireland for his controversial handling of balls. Tiger Woods of course did something completely different with his balls, managing to sink many holes in one with his 9 wood, something which inexplicably has sent his sponsors abandoning ship like rats....
There's absolutely no way that I could leave this post without a tip of the hat to Northern Ireland's very own femme fatale. So here's to you Mrs Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you could know. And now so does Dominic Mohan.
Apparently though, this has changed and the only way to enter the public eye is to have your arse ripped out by The Sun. The sheer amount of public scandals that have happened in the past 12 months is enough to make even Bill Clinton hot under the collar. Banks burst at the seams with the sheer volume of snakes running them, Christian Bale got angry, world leaders were punched, Christian Bale got angry some more and Jude Law changed lovers more than Col. Gaddafi changes psychoanalysts.
I've noticed a certain trend between a good amount of these, which is the recurring theme of Nazism. From Max Mosley's less-than-healthy obsession with all things German, Prince Harry's stint as a Gestapo officer way back when in 2005, to Nick Griffin and the daftest bunch of Nazis this side of 'Allo 'Allo. Perhaps the conspiracy theories are true, and Mr Hitler truely is hiding in a bunker in the Antarctic, pulling strings and orchestrating his grand return through the medium of British idiocy?
Rarely these days do politicians get away with anything, especially the current stock of lifeless, braindead chimps in suits that run our country. Noone in their right mind would give a monkey a gun and for that reason whoever decided it would be a good idea to give a monkey taxpayers money surely deserves to be slowly fed a bag of iron filings?
This only adds to my list of reasons for not wanting to become a politician for fear I'd marry a woman who looks like a sack of mouldy pears, spend public money on porn because I'm married to aforementioned pear sack, and turn my constituency into a giant moat for ducks.
Sportsmen have also come under scrutiny, Max Mosley and Lewis Hamilton both doing their very best to make Formula One even more rubbish than it already was, Thierry Henry incited the wrath of the whole of Ireland for his controversial handling of balls. Tiger Woods of course did something completely different with his balls, managing to sink many holes in one with his 9 wood, something which inexplicably has sent his sponsors abandoning ship like rats....
There's absolutely no way that I could leave this post without a tip of the hat to Northern Ireland's very own femme fatale. So here's to you Mrs Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you could know. And now so does Dominic Mohan.
Friday 1 January 2010
New Year, New Decade, New Beginnings
So Christmas has passed, 2009 is gone and in its place now stands not just a new year, but a new decade as well. With the sound of exploding fireworks, enough alcohol to kill the world’s entire population of bull elephants and more cooked birds than Bill Oddie can shake a stick at, the Noughties (God how I loathe that name) have gone out with a raucous and drunken bang.
So let’s take a look back at the past 10 years before we throw ourselves headlong into the next. The 2000’s was a period of great advancement but also, I feel, great regression. For every step forwards we’ve taken, we also seem to have taken a larger step backwards. For instance, we further developed the internet and while this is great, it means nobody anywhere can trip on a banana skin without the entire world knowing about it within minutes.
You can hardly sneeze anywhere in the Middle East anymore without your country being invaded, pretty much every animal on earth now carries a deadly form of flu, your 13 year old daughter is pregnant again, stress-related illness has become the new must-have, Ugg boots were developed, education systems failed to be educational, men ceased to be men anymore and politicians seemingly ceased to be human at all.
Oh yeah, and a little event known as the Recession hasn’t made the past year any the more enjoyable either. However, the horrors and mistakes of the past 10 years will with any luck incite the necessity for true change and revolution over the years to come.
The decadence of the 2000’s has proven itself to be a mirage, and crumbled accordingly. As human beings we will all learn and live on and for that reason I have high hopes for 2010, and with the recent snowfall turning the country whiter than the BNP cricket team, the new decade couldn’t have gotten off to a more idyllic start. Happy New Year!
So let’s take a look back at the past 10 years before we throw ourselves headlong into the next. The 2000’s was a period of great advancement but also, I feel, great regression. For every step forwards we’ve taken, we also seem to have taken a larger step backwards. For instance, we further developed the internet and while this is great, it means nobody anywhere can trip on a banana skin without the entire world knowing about it within minutes.
You can hardly sneeze anywhere in the Middle East anymore without your country being invaded, pretty much every animal on earth now carries a deadly form of flu, your 13 year old daughter is pregnant again, stress-related illness has become the new must-have, Ugg boots were developed, education systems failed to be educational, men ceased to be men anymore and politicians seemingly ceased to be human at all.
Oh yeah, and a little event known as the Recession hasn’t made the past year any the more enjoyable either. However, the horrors and mistakes of the past 10 years will with any luck incite the necessity for true change and revolution over the years to come.
The decadence of the 2000’s has proven itself to be a mirage, and crumbled accordingly. As human beings we will all learn and live on and for that reason I have high hopes for 2010, and with the recent snowfall turning the country whiter than the BNP cricket team, the new decade couldn’t have gotten off to a more idyllic start. Happy New Year!
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