Falling Victim To Airborne Buffoonery

The past 3 or so days I have spent in the city of Leicester, where unfortunatley I have witnessed first-hand the overpowering ineptitude of the British air travel system.

Time flies when you're having fun they say, and if that's true then I'm certain that sitting in an Airport terminal is about the least fun a human being could endure without losing the will to live.

If time does indeed fly whilst one is having fun,the fact that the arms on the clock seemed stickier than a Toyota's throttle was quite an indication of how I felt. 15 minutes became half an hour, half an hour became an hour and 10 minutes and so it went on.

In the end and by the time the plane finally arrived I had a beard to put Sophocles to shame and a temper akin to that of a menopausal grizzly bear. And that's not even the worst of it. Enter the air hostesses.

Most men jump for joy when they find out they're going to be jetting off on a plane, because on paper at least, flying in an aeroplane is everything a man could want. He gets to go in excess of 200mph, sit on his buttocks for hours on end doing sweet nothing and also, and perhaps most importantly, gets to ogle at attractive cabin crew.

However, these stewardesses were different. Traffic cone orange and reeking of mule sweat they were the Nadia Almada, the Burberry, the Dagenham of aeronautical hospitality and the absolute antithesis of everything air hostesses represent. I actually started to wonder where the airline recruited such (supposed) females and came up with the only logical conclusion that they hired directly from the back of the local sex-change clinic.

That said however, the trip itself was enjoyable and Leicester city was absolutley charming, albeit a slight culture shock to get to grips with. I had been told that it was the English city with the largest Indian population, but I honestly started to wonder whether it was actually the Indian city with the largest English population.

Perhaps I'd hopped on the plane to Dubai instead? And perhaps we'd picked up some kathoeys from Bangkok en route?